Focus on you. Revenge is a loser’s game.

When I was in USIU early on I used to dress very badly. Well, not particularly bad, but definitely average at best. Mismatched clothing colors, run of the mill outfits, the works.

Now, I wasn’t a teenager. I was what is commonly referred to as a re-entry student. These are guys who finished high school, worked for a few years then eventually decided to go get a degree.

So I was 33 years old when I began my undergraduate. Despite being 33, I had very little experience with women. A late bloomer in the romance department.

By the time I was 6 months in though, I had begun building up my confidence and was able to carry out conversations flawlessly with very pretty women. I was quite proud of my progress. 

My journey to getting better with women, however, is a story for another day.

This story is about a particular woman I wanted to date.

Let’s call her Miss X.

Miss X was really curvy and had the kind of ass that would cause road accidents if she was strutting her stuff on the sidewalk. She wasn’t insanely pretty, but she was good looking nonetheless with an incredible body.

So I met her outside class, chatted her up a bit and offered to buy her tea. As we’re in the middle of our tea date, I let her know, quite confidently, that I found her very attractive and inquired on my chances.

You should’ve seen how quickly the happy tea-sipping face morphed into disgust.

She let me know right there and then that I wasn’t her type.

No soft delays. No narrowed pitiful eyes. None of that. Just pure contempt at the thought that I could even think such a vile thought. Yuck!

I was wearing a plain second-hand sweater with a blue polo t-shirt and the most common khaki pants you’ll ever come across. In short, there was nothing special about the way I was dressed.

Why is that information relevant to the plot of the story? Here’s why.

Fast forward to 2 years later.

She finished school a few months after the last time we met. I knew that because it’s what she told me when we met by chance on Kenyatta avenue near the Sarova Stanley hotel.

When we met this time around though, the reaction was markedly different from our last encounter.

Her eyes lit up immediately she saw me. She looked at me the way a woman looks at her man 5 seconds before sex. She was really turned on and made absolutely no attempt to hide it.

We spoke for about 1-2 minutes. As I was leaving she goes like, “Si you take my number?”

Why was the reaction so different? Was it because she had missed me and regretted her initial decision? Of course not.

Was it because she was in a relationship then and single now? I doubt it.

It was because she saw me in a different light altogether this time around.

The only different thing about me this time was just how well I was dressed. In this meeting, I had on a beautiful royal purple velvet blazer, black formal wool pants and one of the loveliest silk shirts you’ll ever lay your eyes upon.

I looked extremely sharp by any standards.

And her subconscious responded to it immediately.

Did I look rich? Probably. But that wasn’t it.

I’ve always believed “all women are gold diggers” is a line used by cynical men to make excuses for their lack of game.

You see, Miss X is not a bad person. Like the rest of us, she’s just human.

And all human beings respond differently to things based on the context in question.

There’s a marketer named Rory Sutherland of Ogilvy and Mather who gives a brilliant example to help understand this concept.

If you give your wife money when you come home in the evening, she’s likely to be very pleased.

If however, immediately after having sex with her, you congratulate her on how wonderful it was by giving her money, she’ll feel very insulted.

Same woman. The same act of giving money. Different contexts and therefore very different reactions.

Did I take Miss X’s number that day?

I did, but I never used it.

Not out of spite.

The reason is, by that point in time, I had been dressing like a superstar for a few months already and therefore had more women in my life than I could possibly handle.

If you’ve watched the movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray then you’ll understand exactly what I mean. When his focus was on the woman, he couldn’t get her, no matter how hard he tried.

The second he focused on improving himself, the woman brought herself very quickly soon afterward.

I challenge you to focus on building yourself and your personal brand and watch the world open doors for you like a butler in a mansion.